Seven Pirates H Review [Switch] — Collecting Asylum (2024)

A three-way effort between Idea Factory, Compile Heart and Felistella, Seven Pirates H is one of the risquér games we’ve played recently. Between broken consoles and a myriad of other issues, our Nintendo Switch backlog has grown considerably, but now we’re finally ploughing through the huge load, and this just happened to be first on the to-do list.

Upon loading up the game you are treated to a musical introduction to each of the characters, as well as shown exactly what the game has a focus on: boobies. And lots of them. If you went into this game totally blind, then it might come as a bit of a shock. The cute pirate visuals on the tile icon also make it look like it might be suitable for kids - but you’ll quickly learn that it ain’t.

You play as Parute Kairi, and you’ll quickly gain a somewhat perverted sidekick, Boy Monster, Otton. Together you can explore the world, visiting different islands and defeating enemies along the way, ranging from various monster girls who’ll then join you on your quest, to strange creatures resembling banana girls and penis monsters. You’ll need to complete Booby Training in order to improve your chest - and ultimately, your characters stats in battle. Each character in your team can train independently, with starting stats for each being different. Parute starts as an A cup, whereas Saqra, a character you’ll later come across, starts as a G cup.

You can adjust your chest through Booby Training, allowing for different stats boosts. Whilst you might think that bigger is automatically better, it depends on the kind of playstyle you’re aiming for and what would benefit you more. There are six different parameters that can be adjusted, with opposite ends of each scale giving a different type of stat boost. Size: Bigger for ATK bonus; smaller for AGI bonus. Height: Higher for HP bonus; lower for Agility. Perkiness: Higher for ATK; lower for HP. Cleavage: Wider for AGI; narrower for DEF. Softness: Softer for DEF; harder for HP. Firmness: Firmer for ATK; looser for DEF. In order to take part in Booby Training, you’ll need Training Extract, which you’ll gain over time through completing battles. Each battle will reward you with H Extract, and after collecting enough of it, you’ll gain Training Extract for the girls in your team. Each team member will need to complete their own Booby Training, which allows you to have a variety of booby shapes and sizes in your harem. Training controls alter depending if you’re playing in handheld or docked, requiring you to do all of the following on each girl’s boobs: Tap, Drag, Flick, Pinch in or out, with each of these having corresponding button/stick controls. It’s pretty hands-on.

Enemies are out in the open throughout the world, and you can attack them from behind to get a Preemptive Attack advantage. If they attack you, then they’ll start with the advantage instead. Enemies come in different sizes within the same breed - with larger versions being stronger. You’ve got to be aware of pheromones in battle which are effectively the ‘types’ of enemies you’ll face, with Red, Blue and Green working similarly to their Pokémon counterparts. Think of Red as Fire, Blue as Water and Green as Grass, with Red being weak to Blue, and strong against Green; Blue being strong against Red and weak to Green; and Green being weak to Red and strong against Blue. Mira-Mira Points are special points that are gained through being Excited or Aroused (yup), and these allow you to utilise Special Moves in battle, which are actually surprisingly cool looking.

Done in a raunchy anime style that’s top-heavy on the fan service. The world itself feels a little bare, with monsters wandering aimlessly around. Your squad are well designed, with different monster-themed designs for each girl: human pirate Parute, slime monster Jewel, demon Sakyura, just to name a few. Each of their designs, whilst racy, are interesting and utilise their monster-types well with some having tentacles, or slime-water for hair. You’ll see sparkles on the ground at times, and walking over to these will allow you to pick up items such as ‘Milky Liquid’ - yep, even the random items are sexualised. You’ll find Eggs on your travels which can be cracked open between the girls breasts to gain various items - though there’s always the chance that it’ll just bust all over the girls instead, looking more than a little suspect. All of the voice acting is in Japanese, and whilst I don’t speak the language, it appears to be really well done with a tonne of humourous inflections, such as the sudden deep-voiced moments coming from Otton. The soundtrack is fantastic, with a variety of really perky, upbeat tracks and plenty of heroic anime tunes, too.

Overall, Seven Pirates H has a decently enjoyable story and it’s a lot of fun, if a little shallow - though it can feel particularly cringe at times. It’s also a game that, in a household with kids, you’ll find yourself being too wary to play until they’re out of the house - saves you having to answer questions about the big anime tiddies on screen. Available for £34.99 on the Switch eShop, it does seem a little on the expensive side. But the money does jiggle jiggle here, I suppose.

Are you interested in Seven Pirates H? What do you think of it?
Let us know in the comments below!

- V x

Thank you to EastAsiaSoft for the Seven Pirates H Switch review code!