The Grieving Process
Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.
Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage and then to another, and cycle back again to the first one. You may find yourself repeating this process a number of times as you continue to work through your grief.There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.
Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.
Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.
After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.
Eventually you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things that you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.
How long am I going to feel this way?
Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through the grieving process.
Complicated Grief
The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.
If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.
FAQs
Here is how you can use the 3Cs to heal:
- Choose. It's common to feel obligated to attend some events, such as an Easter celebration or a family holiday dinner. ...
- Connect. Since every individual has their way of dealing with grief, some people may isolate themselves from the world during such times. ...
- Communicate.
There are 7 stages of grief and the grieving process. They include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. This process helps people heal after experiencing loss. Symptoms of grief usually resolve after 1–2 years .
What are the stages of grief after death? ›
What are the stages of grief?
- denial.
- anger.
- bargaining.
- depression.
- acceptance.
This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life.
What are the 5 stages of grief resolution? ›
The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like 'Oh I've moved on from denial and now I think I'm entering the angry stage'. But this isn't often the case.
What is the hardest stage of grief? ›
There really is no stage that is the hardest or one that all people get stuck in the longest. That said, for some people, the hardest stage might be the “depression” stage while for others this might be the bargaining stage of grief or “anger.”.
What grieving does to your body? ›
Grief can cause a variety of effects on the body including increased inflammation,8 joint pain, headaches, and digestive problems. It can also lower your immunity, making you more susceptible to illness. Grief also can contribute to cardiovascular problems, difficulty sleeping, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
How long does grief fatigue last? ›
Grieving isn't just an emotional process. It can be surprisingly physical too, leaving you exhausted, achy, restless and even with cold or flu-like symptoms. Your mind and body are run down and burnt out, and you might feel that way for weeks or even months.
What is the difference between grieving and mourning? ›
Grief relates to the thoughts and feelings that accompany a loss; from sadness to anger to longing to be with the person. On the other hand, mourning is how feelings of grief are shown to the public. They are acts or behaviors that show the sadness or hurt that someone is experiencing after losing someone they love.
How long is too long to grieve? ›
There is no 'right' length of time for a person to grieve. It's important for the person who has lost a loved one to be allowed the time they need to work through their grief. The person who has lost a loved one may feel better for a while, only to become sad again.
Depression
Depression and sadness sets in once you accept reality. This is the longest stage because people can linger in it for months, if not years. Depression can cause feelings of helplessness, sadness, and lack of enthusiasm.
What makes grieving worse? ›
A trigger can be anything that causes a strong reminder of your loss. Many people say the first year or two can be particularly difficult. With time, most people find they learn to adapt, although birthdays, anniversaries or other special dates might always cause a range of strong emotions.
Does anything help with grief? ›
Support. Sharing and talking about your loss is an important part of healing. Talk with someone who listens without giving advice, lets you talk about whatever you need to discuss, accepts you where you are, and doesn't try and make you feel differently.
How often should you check on someone who is grieving? ›
You're there to support them in their difficult time of need. Use your best judgment and trust your instincts on how often you need to check in. Depending on where the bereaved are at in their grief process, it could be daily to every few weeks or so.
What are the three pillars of grief? ›
So, to recap the 3 pillars, it's processing in your mind, this is noticing your thoughts, coaching, therapy, talking, being in your head, and then there's processing in your body, this is any body work, mindfulness practices, movement, yoga, anything that helps you feel, experience, and notice sensations and energy in ...
What are the three C's? ›
If so, what you experienced was the start of a methodical repair process known as "The Three C's." The three C's are as follows; Concern, Cause, and Correction. Each of these pillars is essential and cannot be rearranged or discarded.
What is the 3 stage of grief? ›
As explained by Dr. Roberta Temes and Geoffrey Gorer, these stages include many emotions that occur in stages. Each stage needs to be felt and lived through in order to successfully proceed to the next stage. Numbness, Disorganization and Reorganization are these stages.
What are the 3 factors that affect the grieving process? ›
The following are some of the factors that may affect the way you grieve and heal.
- The type and quality of your relationship with your loved one. ...
- How your loved one died. ...
- Whether or not you were able to say goodbye to your loved one.
